26 Aug
Hey, sports fans. Taking a short bit of time off from blogging. I’m just out of ideas and new things to do. My bag of neat special tricks is empty. The spark is gone. I feel like you and I don’t know each other anymore; we spend all our time either arguing or resenting each other. And I found your stash of Juggs magazines. Real mature.
Erm.
Anyway, I”m gonna go run a bajillion more miles. Be back soon, fresh and ready to go. 
21 Aug
This guy? He's got WHEELS.
WEATHER: Humid but relatively nice.
MILES: 32.
MILES THIS WEEK: 81.
WHERE TO: Everywhere.
MOOD: Pumped.
ADDITIONAL NOTES:
I keep meaning to go to church more often…really, I do…but my Sunday morning long runs have started spooling out longer and longer than expected, leaving me in a sweaty heap on the living room floor, leaking puddles of sweat that run the length of the house.
“See you after worship, heathen!” chirp my housemates, slipping past and cursing me for being so genetically predisposed to grossness.
Tomorrow I will make it. Really, I will. And I will include in my confession an apology for the below post, which shows you all of the religious texts you NEVER KNEW EXISTED that deal with running. It’s a holy practice, everyone. It will make you closer to God/Goddess/The Flying Spaghetti Monster. I promise.
So here goes:
15 Aug
Yay, astrology! I mean, why ever make another logic-based decision for yourself again?
WEATHER: Rainy, yes, but at least it’s not want-to-die-hot.
MILES: 22.
MILES THIS WEEK: 22.
WHERE TO: Beach Drive, Crescent Trail, home.
MOOD: Exhausted.
ADDITIONAL NOTES:
Sorry about the lack-of-posting again. Posting just once a week makes me a tease, I realize, and I shouldn’t toy with your emotions that way, baby. I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you. And while I’d love nothing more than to find my Luther Vandross collection and candles, let me remind you that it’s Sunday, and what I got planned, sweet thang, isn’t a sabbath-day activity (also, Jesus hated Luther Vandross).
Or we could just do something occult-related. Yes, let’s do that. So:
YOUR RUNNING HOROSCOPE
Aries (March 21-April 20) – Today finds you feeling restless and stubborn, like the mighty ram that you are. Though you don’t want to go do those mile repeats, trust me — your body will thank you. Today’s workout will lead you to good fortune and possibly new romantic prospects. Pursue these with alacrity, mindful of the fact that you are compatible with Tauruses but not Cancers. Take the day off. Find yourself.
8 Aug
I weigh WHAT? Maybe if I remove my toenails...
WEATHER: Once again, gorgeous.
MILES: 19.
MILES THIS WEEK: 19.
WHERE TO: Beach Drive, Bethesda, Wisconsin Ave., home.
MOOD: Exhausted.
ADDITIONAL NOTES:
If you’re like me or any other person anywhere ever, you want to eat more as your mileage climbs. I personally can honestly say that, having run a combined 40 bajillion miles between yesterday and today, I’m inclined to go stalk a mighty zebra and chomp on its haunches National-Geographic-style for a while. Or something.
Now, you see, I try not to worry about food and weight loss and all that, as the other morning I lost nearly half a pound in one run, when a ginormous blister on my left foot popped.
Ew.
Anyway, my point here is that, as you eat more, you have more opportunities to SCREW UP. So I’m here to once again write about proper nutrition. Why do I write about food so much? Because I want to give you a complex. And also, I want to show you a couple of simple dietary substitutions to help you run longer, faster, better, healthier, and — most importantly — HOTTER. So. Welcome to…
EAT THIS…NOT THIS.
Eat: Fat-free, sugar-free yogurt with eight (8) blueberries and 1/2 cup unsweetened granola.
Not: 2 Belgian waffles with maple syrup and chocolate chips.
Because…Yeah, the waffles are delicious, but the yogurt option is so good for you and…equally…delicious…
……right?
2 Aug
WEATHER: Gorgeous.
MILES: 0.
MILES THIS WEEK: 16.
WHERE TO: Nowhere — Kaboom!
MOOD: WOOOOOOOO!
ADDITIONAL NOTES:
First things first, sports fans: I’m IN! The 50-miler form entry has been accepted, and they returned my SASE with a slip of paper saying that I now have the privilege of running for 9 hours straight. WHOOPEE! Want to be on my aid crew? Yes you do. Drop me a line if you want to force-feed me a banana with peanut butter at mile 37.
Second things second: Rusty did not get in, but still has a shot at doing so via a charity entry. If you see him on the street, give him a hug and $20. Actually, even if he weren’t trying to get in, I’d tell you to do this. Poor guy is a law student at one of the most depressing places on earth (coughGWUcough). Stroke his head and gently hum to him while you’re at it. He needs it.
Anyway. What with my obsession for the past seven posts with heaving bosoms and hoo-hahs and love-juices and throbbing, hard-as-steel loveshafts of swollen, heat-radiating manhood and so on, I completely forgot that there are people out there who NEED MY EXPERTISE on things other than breasts and erections. And so I give the second installment of
ASK A RUNNER!
…in which I answer honest-to-God real questions from runners like you, ESPECIALLY those special folks who posed questions on my “Ask a Runner!” page. Good job, kids.
So.
Q: I have shoes and running clothes. What other gear might I need to be a truly successful runner? — Samuel, Austin, TX
A: Let’s make a nice little shopping list so you can better support the military-industrial-running complex. Here goes:
