John Wants You To Go Running
WEATHER: 30ish at (non-)running time.
MILES THIS WEEK: 30
MILES THIS MONTH: 45
MOOD: Oh, HELL no.
I did not run today. I woke up, got out of bed, peed, put in my contacts, looked down at my legs, asked the girls how they felt about running today, and they said, “Meh. Fuckit.”
So I went back to bed, thinking I could just do it after work.
And then at work, I realized that maybe it was time to get some real rest, not just some “easy 5-mile jog” rest, given my recent stressful nights of sleep, interrupted by aforementioned dreams of Braceface and also, most recently, of John Krasinski taunting me.
I was reminded that I might need more sleep by Mississippi, the woman who sits next to me at work.
Mississippi is a lovely woman and one of my favorite coworkers — she’s about my same age, very funny, and exchanges ridiculous/awesome country music videos from the ’90s with me during boring stretches.
She also sneezed loudly at one point today, which is hardly worth mentioning except it sent my high-strung, non-properly-rested ass falling off the chair. Add to that that I had to watch “Hannity” today at work (yes, HAD to. This is part of the job description, I shit you not.) and around 2:30 I was frustrated, exhausted, twitchy, and angry, and thus bungee-cording myself down to the chair and swallowing handfuls of Quaaludes. Mmmmm, delicious downers.
So I blamed my lack of sleep/sudden uptick in mileage for my lack of patience. “No running today!” I yelled at my thighs in a downer-ridden, bungee-corded stupor. “We’ll get SO MUCH OTHER STUFF accomplished!”
And we sure did. In the 40 minutes that would have been my 5-mile jog, I did the following:
- Ate peanut butter with a spoon.
- Took advantage of “only housemate home” time by peeing with the door open.
- Took advantage of “only housemate home” time by monopolizing the bathroom for 15 minutes of intensive facial-blemish-inspection.
- Ate leftovers intended for tomorrow’s lunch.
- Watched some old YouTube favorites.
- Peed with the door open again. For good measure.
- Passed out. Was it while watching “Heroes,” you ask? Yes, it was while watching “Heroes.” I refuse to be judged for this.