Another Lesson in Nutrition

I weigh WHAT? Maybe if I remove my toenails...

WEATHER: Once again, gorgeous.

MILES: 19.


WHERE TO: Beach Drive, Bethesda, Wisconsin Ave., home.

MOOD: Exhausted.


If you’re like me or any other person anywhere ever, you want to eat more as your mileage climbs.  I personally can honestly say that, having run a combined 40 bajillion miles between yesterday and today, I’m inclined to go stalk a mighty zebra and chomp on its haunches National-Geographic-style for a while.  Or something.

Now, you see, I try not to worry about food and weight loss and all that, as the other morning I lost nearly half a pound in one run, when a ginormous blister on my left foot popped.


Anyway, my point here is that, as you eat more, you have more opportunities to SCREW UP.  So I’m here to once again write about proper nutrition.  Why do I write about food so much?  Because I want to give you a complex.  And also, I want to show you a couple of simple dietary substitutions to help you run longer, faster, better, healthier, and — most importantly — HOTTER.  So.  Welcome to…


Eat: Fat-free, sugar-free yogurt with eight (8) blueberries and 1/2 cup unsweetened granola.

Not: 2 Belgian waffles with maple syrup and chocolate chips.

Because…Yeah, the waffles are delicious, but the yogurt option is so good for you and…equally…delicious…



Eat: One (1) apple.

Not: One (1) turtle cake, complete with an entire jar of Smucker’s double-fat caramel topping.

Because: I know, I know what you’re thinking — Jiminy Jillikers!  An APPLE has fewer calories than a turtle cake with an entire jar of caramel?  How can this be?  This flies in the face of logic!  Well, nutritionists have proven this, so believe it, sweetie.  Wipe the Reddi-Whip off your chin, and start shoving some NUTRITION in yer piehole for a change.


Eat: Smartfood White Cheddar Popcorn

Not: Salt and Vinegar potato chips

Because: Actually, I have no idea about the nutritional values of these foods.  They’re both like crack, in my estimation, only with more finger-licking involved.  But the popcorn will put you in less of a burning-tongue, salt-induced coma.


Eat: 19 Ho-Hos

Not: 20 Ho-Hos

Because…That 20th Ho-Ho will go straight to your cankles, girlfriend.  Actually, if you’re feeling super-ambitious, you can even cut back to 18 Ho-Hos.  But let’s not get carried away, Twiggy.


Eat: 8 bags celery

Not: 2 Lindor dark chocolate truffles, super-melty from sitting on the warm deli checkout counter all afternoon

Because…the calorie counts are roughly equal, but just think — as you’re jamming that 45th celery stalk down your trap, you will have this glorious “Full!  I’m so full!  Yes!” feeling.  Keep this in mind and the retching will pass quickly enough.  And, yes, Petunia, you can eat the leaves if you want, but come on.  Show some self control.


Eat: 3-egg-white omelet

Not: 2-egg omelet

Because…Actually, this sounds like an altogether good idea, except for the fact that your room is on the third floor.  The kitchen is on the first. You ran a gazillion miles today and if you have to walk 2 steps more for ANYTHING you will just snap.  So let’s see.  You must have something up here that would do in a pinch…


Eat: Sunblock

Not: Elmer’s Glue

Because…So here’s the choice, partner — the glue or the sunblock?  I mean, yeah, you drank Elmer’s cocktails every afternoon before naptime back in 1st grade, but times have changed, my friend.  If there is one thing that my housemate’s stockpiles of ladymags have taught me, it’s that sunblock is GOD (also, there are apparently 97 hot new sex positions discovered EVERY MONTH).  Seriously — sunblock prevents wrinkles and cancer and all signs of aging and financial ruin and malaise and also tastes GREAT on a cracker.  So stop drinking water out of the iron and eat up.

The end.  I’m exhausted.  Hugs and kisses.


2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Bear on August 9, 2010 at 1:01 pm

    Just an FYI, I think you have some of the “Eat this… not that” items backwards. Also, my motto for the week is now “Eat 19 hohos, not 20 hohos!”


  2. Another Lesson in Nutrition…

    I found your entry interesting do I’ve added a Trackback to it on my weblog :)…


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