WEATHER: Rainy, yes, but at least it’s not want-to-die-hot.
MILES THIS WEEK: 22.
WHERE TO: Beach Drive, Crescent Trail, home.
Sorry about the lack-of-posting again. Posting just once a week makes me a tease, I realize, and I shouldn’t toy with your emotions that way, baby. I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you. And while I’d love nothing more than to find my Luther Vandross collection and candles, let me remind you that it’s Sunday, and what I got planned, sweet thang, isn’t a sabbath-day activity (also, Jesus hated Luther Vandross).
Or we could just do something occult-related. Yes, let’s do that. So:
YOUR RUNNING HOROSCOPE
Aries (March 21-April 20) — Today finds you feeling restless and stubborn, like the mighty ram that you are. Though you don’t want to go do those mile repeats, trust me — your body will thank you. Today’s workout will lead you to good fortune and possibly new romantic prospects. Pursue these with alacrity, mindful of the fact that you are compatible with Tauruses but not Cancers. Take the day off. Find yourself.
Taurus (April 21-May 20) — Today finds you feeling restless and willful, like the mighty bull that you are. You feel a fire in your lean runner’s loins, and it ain’t just chafing. Go quench that fire with a Virgo but by no means an Aries, a fire sign that will consume your more earthy, cow-like qualities. No, I’m not calling you fat. Take the day off. Do an easy run. Find yourself.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) — Today finds you feeling restless and sort of crazypants, as could be expected of a split-personality Gemini type such as yourself. Your fortune really depends on a number of factors, for example Saturn being in the 3rd quadrant (9th house, to be exact), and the moon’s position being especially fortuitous this week. So take those into account, and then ask yourself: are you that chick who wore the “It’s my birthday!” rhinestone tiara and leopard-print sports bra and skivvies in the 2008 Grandma’s Marathon whose outstretched arms and big stupid mouth-breathing grin blocked me out of and spoiled my MarathonFoto finish pic? The one I which I had so perfectly posed, having grabbed a cigarette and beer from my waiting sisters 1/4 mile from the finish line just for the photo op? If so, you will be eaten today by a pack of wile and unusually smelly nutria. The rest of you should take the day off and do a nice easy run and find yourselves.
Cancer (June 21-July 20) — The sun’s return to your sign indicates an opening of your heart chakra and an invitation to the universe’s chi to enter into your life to release good vibes and unlock powerful hidden emotions. Also, that sports bra you bought ain’t holdin’ nothing in place, Dolly. Lose it. You’re distracting every construction worker in the District and scaring the children. Take the day off and maybe just don’t run at all. Find yourself (a roll of pre-wrap and duct tape, because that might be your best bet).
Leo (July 21-August 20) — Today finds you restless and full of leonine confidence. But honestly? Your idea to ask your partner to incorporate Gu and/or ClifGels into your lovemaking will backfire. Don’t do it.
Virgo (August 21-September 20) — Today at 6:42 AM at the water fountain on the east side of the National Zoo, you will meet the person of your dreams, wearing…it’s coming to me…wait for it…blue, no, green Saucony shorts and a discreet smear of un-rubbed-in sunblock on his/her nose. S/he’s the one! You knew it! I knew it! Yes! S/he mutters something about seeking out a Virgo and you find out that s/he is a TAURUS? Please. You’d rather date a 5-K runner.
Libra (September 21-October 20) — When the moon is in the seventh house, and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planets, and holy God your legs are incredible. Take the day off. Find yourself my house.
Scorpio (October 21-November 20) — That disorientation you’ve been having during your later miles? You’ll be happy to know it’s not oxygen debt or poor nutrition. It’s syphilis. Who knew? Take the day off. Find yourself (a urologist).
Sagittarius (November 21-December 20) — I know you enjoy having bloody, chafed nipples. You sick bastard.
Capricorn (December 21-January 20) — Like the goat, you are headstrong, quick, sprightly, full of endurance, and have a tendency to chew on my shirt from time to time. Unlike the goat, you do not respond to a firm whack on the nose. Take the day off. Go on a nice easy run, preferably over there somewhere. Find a new astrologer.
Aquarius (January 21-February 20) — Today finds you, O waterbearer, full of a sense of openness to new experiences. The world is your oyster! You have so much to give! Take advantage of this sensation by asking your partner what s/he truly needs from you, be it a new workout to do together, a new pair of Asics, or a foot massage. When s/he sheepishly confesses some sort of sick fantasy involving Gu/Clif Gels, take a deep breath, feel the universe beckoning you to open your mind and spirit, and close your eyes and murmur sweetly, “No f**king way.”
Pisces (February 21-March 20) — You, on the other hand, are TOTALLY INTO THAT SHIT. Take the day off. Go on a long run…preferably after that Leo. Find her/him. Mmmmm, boy.