Thoughtful Discourse

I get more hits when I include beautiful-man pics. Go figure.

WEATHER: Fantastic.

MILES: Zero.  POW!

MILES THIS WEEK: Many.  Already.

WHERE TO: Nowhere.

MOOD: Exhausted.


I was at this party a few weekends ago at which a friend asked me if I listened to music while I run.

Now, let me digress for a second.  Because I feel like every single runner I meet is either a Luddite purist or incapable of going on even a simple two-mile jog without having Tool drilling into his/her skull at volume level 14.  No one is in-between.  Which I don’t get.  Because sometimes you need Enrique to move you along, and sometimes you just need to silently judge other runners in silence, you know?


“Not all the time,” I responded.

“Well, don’t you go CRAZY?  What do you think about?” she asked.

Ironically, her question itself has made me go crazy, because now when I’m running all I can think about is, “Huh.  What AM I thinking about?” and now my flow is totally gone.  (Thanks a lot, party-friend-lady.  Jerkface.)  It’s like when you for whatever reason start thinking about breathing and suddenly realize that you can’t do it correctly anymore, and now maybe it won’t be voluntary anymore and you’ll have to think about breathing until the day you die.  Holy s**t, that would suck, wouldn’t it?

I mean, usually this whole forgetting-how-to-breathe thing happens when you’re halfway through your third Grateful Dead album and are giggling so hard you think your throat is going to fall out and those brownies are like three-quarters gone, but it can happen on the trail, too, trust me.

Anyway, I realize now that there might be some of you who read this blog for actual — you know — knowledge about running.  These people are severely misguided.  But I might as well make myself useful, and so in the coming several posts I will present to you a new series entitled:


…because really, after three hours you need something to occupy your mind other than “Where the eff is the next water fountain?” and food-porn-fantasizing about the 8-egg omelet you’re going to eat when you get home and “No, seriously, I will STRANGLE A TEA PARTY PROTESTER if I don’t find a water fountain.  Seriously.  OR I might do that anyway.  But still.”

So.  Tonight I start by at least explaining how I get through my long runs by running down a list of the thoughts that went through my head on a recent long run.

Miles 1 through 2: OK.  Where are we going today?  Rock Creek Park.  Yessss.  My fave.

Mile 2.1: Yeah, but it’s still dark.  There are perverts in there.  And probably bears too.  Perverted bears, that’s what’s in Rock Creek.  <sigh> Let’s do Mass Ave.

Mile 2.2: Mass Ave. sucks.  F**king pervs/bears/pervy bears.  You ruin the fun for everyone.

Mile 2.3: Also, terrorists.  You’re ruining the fun too.

Mile 2.4-2.8: OK.  So how are we feeling?  Good, good.  Knees are fine, hips are fine, dull ache maybe, but nothing to be worried about shit shit shit SHIT my foot hurts.  I have a stress fracture.  I know it, you know it, we all know it.  Ah God.

Mile 2.9-4.9: No, no, let’s not do that.  Positive!  Happy glittery rainbow thoughts!  Distractions!  OK.  What can we write about at work this week?  Yeah.  OK.  Ummm…erm…ok.  “The political ramifications of…________ .”  Yeah.  OK.  I like it.  Let’s roll with that.

Miles 5-7.8: Ewan McGregor.

Mile 7.9: WaterfountainwaterfountainwaterfountainwaterfountainGUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.  Sweet, delicious Gu.

Miles 8 through 10: Ewan McGregor wrestling a pervy terrorist bear.

Mile 10.1: OK, how about the political ramifications of public goods in common spaces, such as water fountains in public parks?  A sort of tragedy-of-the-commons-meets-free-rider-dilemma piece?

Miles 10.2 through 11: Get ‘im, Ewan!  Go for the headlock!  The headlock!  No!  No!  <cringe, duck> Ohhhh, honey.  Come ‘ere.  Lemme holllld you.

Mile 12: Ok, muscle cramps.  No worries.  No panicking.  All is well.  There’s a water fountain up there a bit.  Lalala, stride-stride-stride.

Mile 12.2: <dropping to knees, wailing, rending of clothing>

Mile 12.3: I’m gonna find that motherflipping parks and rec ass-hat who refuses to fix the water fountains and give him purple nurples until HOLY FUCK THAT BIRD IS HUGE.  And did you hear that thing SQUAWK?  Jeeeeeezus Christ holy God.  It sounded like a pterodactyl or a, or a, um, a velociraptor!  Ohhhh man.

Mile 12.4 through 12.7: What’s that kind of bird called, a heron?  Herring?  One of those is a fish.  Yeah.  “Heron.”  Dude that thing could swallow my HEAD.  No, “herring” is it.  I’m sure.  Wait.  Shit.  I’m getting stupid.  Running is making me stupid.

Mile 12.8: Hey remember that guy in college who left the raptor noises on my answering machine all the time?  How did he DO that so well?  It sounded like he was inhaling when he did that.  But that doesn’t make sense, right?  Shouldn’t one exhale when one is squawking?

Mile 13: <quietly making raptor/pterodactyl noises while inhaling>

Mile 14: <quietly making raptor/pterodactyl noises while exhaling>

Mile 15: Waterfountainwaterfountainwaterfountain.  Oh God orange Gu packets are foul.  FOUL.  WATERFOUNTAINWATERFOUNTAINWATERFOUNTAIN.

Mile 15.1: But Orange Gu packets are deliciously foul ohhhhhh God I could just smear it all over my face.

Miles 15.2 through 19: <more raptor noises, now alternating between inhaling and exhaling, now with growing conviction with each iteration>

Mile 20: 8-egg omelet.  Super-omelet.  With cheese.  NO, a NINE-egg omelet.  NOM NOM NOM.  Holy shit!  It’s a “nomelet”!  I’m a GENIUS!  Hahahahaha.  <pleased giggles>

Miles 21 through 23: Entire concentration fixated on right toenail, number three from the left.  Or the right, come to think of it.  Huh.  Feels loose.  Oh, this could make things feel awful.  No, don’t think about it.  Shit.  But now I can’t stop.  But don’t think about it.  But but but <repeat one billion times>

Mile 23.1: What?  Excuse me?  You are PASSING me?  Are you SERIOUS?  Shenanigans!  I mean, I could be reasonable, I suppose, since you’re going, what, like eleven measly miles?

Mile 23.11: Whatever.  Reason has ABANDONED ME and I HAVE ABANDONED IT.  Baaaahahahahahaha!  SHENANIGANS!  This is not acceptable!  <sprint sprint sprint, pass>

Mile 23.12 through 24.8: Hear ol’ Eleven-Mile on my tail, the faint rustle of his shorts, the encroachment of his aura on mine.  This is NOT ACCEPTABLE oh God just back off already. <quad twitch>

Mile 24.9: Realize that Eleven-Mile turned off the trail long ago, and the rustle noise is my swampy ponytail smacking the back of my head with each step.  Seriously.

Mile 25: Ewan McGregor, eating Gu.  Oh God.  I can’t breathe. No, wait.  Wait.  Wait for it…Ewan McGregor COOKING A NOMELET and SINGING.

Mile 25.1 through 27: Ecstatic haze.

Mile 27.1: Yes!  Yes!  I have it: “The Political Ramifications of Ewan McGregor, Eating Gu!  SHIRTLESS AND IN A KILT!”  I smell a Pulitzer!

Mile 27.2: Final water fountain. Legs twitch. Final Gu.  Come on, Champ.  You got this.

Mile 27.3: OK, so raptors can move really quick, but can they run far?  “Jurassic Park” never covered that, did it?  Psh.  Stupid cocky velociraptors.  Think they know everything.  Think they’re hot shit.  Whatevs.  I bet I could beat a raptor at a marathon.

Mile 27.4: But not a stegosaurus, I bet.  They seem chill.  Way chill.

Mile 27.5: How does Steven Spielberg think he knows the noise that a raptor makes, anyway?  What if raptors actually whistled?  Or had voices like Barry White?  Huh?  Spielberg?  You ever think of THAT?

Miles 27.6 through Mile 32: <irrational anger at Steven Spielberg>

Mile 33: Reach home.  Victorious raptor squawks.

4 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Doris on September 14, 2010 at 7:10 pm

    LOL – this is the funniest thing I read. I love it.


  2. Posted by molly on September 16, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    If Ewan McGregor Googles himself everyday he is going to READ YOUR BLOG!!! EEEE!!! 🙂


  3. Posted by Adam on September 17, 2010 at 9:51 am

    DJ wets herself while running marathons. I have email proof.


  4. AskARunner Question:

    How can I teach myself to run faster? I’m looking to drop 30 minutes from my marathon time (from 3:55 to 3:25).


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