WEATHER: Beautiful for a night run
MILES THIS WEEK: Bigger than a breadbox.
WHERE TO: Rock Creek Parkway, Van Ness, Tenleytown, Georgetown, etc.
MOOD: No longer sick! Blammo!
Tonight, I introduce to you all a new and exciting feature to assist you in your Washington, DC-and-surrounding-areas running endeavors:
KNOW YOUR WASHINGTON WATER FOUNTAINS
See, I realized as I was on a long, circuitous route around the city that I do have one particular area of knowledge that many people do not have. No, not NSYNC dance steps. NO, not how-much-Crystal-Light-you-mix-with-Karkov-so-you-can’t-taste-the-death. I’m talking about a mental map of the DC area and its various water-and-restroom facilities. I know it ALL and will use it to drive much-needed traffic to the blog. So here goes:
Water fountain #1! (numbers are assigned arbitrarily)
Location: 35th St. NW and M St. NW, right across from the Georgetown Running Company, in that little park off of Key Bridge.
Level of busy-ness: On a scale of 1 to 10? 9. (billion).
Degree of usability: 5.
But take into account that no DC fountain will ever get anything over a 5 until the Parks and Rec Department pulls its collective, stupid head out of its collective, smelly ass and realizes that in a city where the temperature doesn’t drop below 35 EVER, the ground just ain’t freezing. Really, it’s not. So turn the fountains back on in the winter and stop pretending you’re being useful. Turdfaces.
Usual clientele: Every runner ever, especially the running clubs from the Georgetown Running Company, plus every Georgetown tourist ever. All of these people, by the way, are convinced that they NEED THE WATER AND NEED IT RIGHT NOW, way more than you need it, by the way. Oh, please, pale-portly-tourist-family-staring-blankly-into-the-distance. All 6 of you should fuel up before taking pictures in front of the Washington, DC Gap store. As should you, turkey-trotters. All 10 of you. By all means. And fill up your water bottles and Camelbaks while you’re at it. You need it. Your 5-mile loop must be exhausting.
If it were a tree, it would be: Elm.
Boring and ubiquitous. Yeah, you’d prefer to scramble up a locust or an oak if it were around, but this is what’s there, so use it. Also prone to disease (be it Dutch Elm or tourist-transmitted-heavy-mucous-infections). So don’t put your mouth on it.
Girl, this water fountain has been around. Everyone has had a turn. And it wants its turn with YOU. It stares at you while you’re eating. It comes into the bathroom and leans on the doorjamb talking faux-casually about its dating life while you’re tweezing your eyebrows. It texts you pictures of its spigot while you’re in important work meetings. It sneaks from its bed up to your room while you’re just dozing off. “I couldn’t sleep,” it says. “You seem warm. Can I snuggle with you?” And against your better judgment you oblige, and when you awake in the morning, a little weirded out and a lot remorseful about the poor choices you made last night, you know that you’ve been had. But at least the lovin’ was firm. Firm but tender.
Once again…wait, what?
Overall grade: C-
Convenient location, located at the intersection of several trails/common routes. Never broken. But…I mean, I’ve had better.
Stay tuned for WATER FOUNTAIN #2! Which will be the lucky lady? Mmmmmm I’m excited.