Know Your DC Water Fountains (Vol. 2)

Drink up, Brownie. The Code Pink protesters are comin' and we wanna ogle us some bosoms.

WEATHER: Beautiful and warm.

MILES: Once again, 0, because apparently I only blog on days I don’t run.

MILES THIS WEEK: 13-14ish.

WHERE TO: The depths of Hell itself.

MOOD: <bangs head on table>


I apologize for the lag time between posts.  We’re gonna get it right one of these days.  This time, the excuse is that life vomited all over my shoes last week.  I won’t go into details, so I’ll let you fill in the blanks (dead parakeet, I dumped one of my 9 hotties, dead wallaby, every student loan in the UNIVERSE (including those for which I did not sign up) came due, dead marmot, accidentally foffed (fart-coughed, DUHHH) during an important work meeting).  So I had considered writing a post about how running can help you cope, how the cool air rushing about your limbs can help you shake off the malaise of even the most pitiful miserable existence as you jog up Massachusetts Ave. and clutch your hands to your chest and know that heartbreak is going to wash off your skin like oh shit no I can’t do it I’m trying to be serious but here it comes


Nope.  Earnestness just isn’t gonna work.  So today it’s once again time for:


Water fountain #2!

Location: Just northwest of the Capitol building, in this quaint little brick structure, only with no top.  Weird and unnecessary, but cute, if you’re into that sort of thing.


Level of busy-ness: 7.  On a scale of 3 to 9, with 53 being the highest.

Your normal water-fountain-grading systems do not apply here, since in this glorious promised land, there are THREE fountains.  THREE in one place!  Point being, sports fans, that no matter what toe-shoe-and-basketball-shorts-wearing, Camelbak-toting, a-little-too-forceful-of-an-eight-foot-stride-sporting fratfreak or knock-kneed-splay-heeled-sickly-thin-opposite-of-athletic-lady is at your fountain…NO PROBLEM!  120 degrees to the left or right!  Don’t mind if I do!


Degree of usability: 7.

(OK, is it on right now?  HELL no.  Once again, DC Parks and Rec…50 degrees today.  Just sayin’.)

But like I said — the holy trinity of water fountains.  Only on the soupiest of August days will you have to wait in line here.  AND it’s on Capitol Hill — lots of tourists and lawmakers to make happy, so it is never EVER broken. Woooop!  Water for everyone!  Take a chug from one fountain!  Spit it into the next!  Chug again!  Dump it on your head and rub it on your hairy, hairy belly!  Lalala!  Madcap merry-go-round of hydration!

But, OK, yeah.  Put down your Utne/McSweeney’s/boingboing-on-your-Macbook and say it with me, with social-conscience-gusto: “UNFAIR!  I bet the water fountains in Anacostia aren’t always working!”

How lovely that you care!  I have my toolkit right here.  Hop into my truck and we’ll just go- hey hey HEY.  HEY.  WHERE YA GOING?

Usual clientele: Not horses.

Despite what this picture would lead you to believe, there are almost never horses at this water fountain.  The people at Life Magazine are lying bastards.  Also, they sniff your hair when your back is turned.  Gross.

If it were a member of *NSYNC, it would be: Chris Kirkpatrick

No, you never think of him first or even second, but when you really, reeeeealllly think about it, you’d rather hang out with him than any of those other vanilla fellows.  He looks young despite having been around a while, he’s versatile, his falsetto is to die for, and come on — when he propositioned you after that concert when you were 16 by handing you a Smirnoff Ice and a Little Debbie Zebra Cake from the caterer table, weren’t you a little tempted?  Even a little?

Don’t look at me like that.

Friendliness: C

Yeah, it’s aloof — if you didn’t know it was there, you’d probably miss it.  But it’s SO generous once you get to know it.  It just gives and gives and never asks for anything in return.  Bless her heart.


Overall grade: B

On the negative side, it is a constant, albeit indirect, reminder of the social injustices of this world and particularly the “scarier” DC neighborhoods.

On the positive side, it is easily accessible, dead in the middle of a whole mess of running routes, and also (apparently) reminds me that I still remember all the steps to “Bye Bye Bye.”


Back to eating my feelings.  Hoowah!

One response to this post.

  1. I love you, DJ.

    A sends you love, too, from the Old World.


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