WEATHER: Delightfully cool and drizzly and fall-like!
MILES THIS WEEK: Disturbing.
TODAY’S RUNNING SONG: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQ-NGNCRFmY (h/t: the illustrious C.)
THIS GUY IS BADASS: http://iantorrence.blogspot.com/
I apologize for having been absent for a week and a half. As you may have guessed from the last post, I have been in emotion-land. By which I mean minorly-but-chronically-sort-of-feeling-like-ass land, due to living in a flood-prone, mushroom-and-fly-infested hole. I don’t know about you, but in the Republic of DJ, emotions make a girl stop blogging, yes, but also stop applying for freelance positions, socializing, and wanting to do anything other than having Arrested-Development-fest 2011 on her bed, which is still up on bricks (the bed), along with all of her other furniture, due to Hurricane Irene preparations.
But there’s one thing that emotions don’t get in the way of: hating on the hipsters at this coffee shop? Well yes (barista, your glasses are ugly in every ironic-and-non-ironic way). But also: the nonstop-rocking runningfest that is my life. The Olympics are coming, and we’re getting pumped. If you take a look at the 2012 Olympics official website, you will see that the ultramarathon IS NOT EVEN LISTED. Which just makes me more pumped, because kids, the people at London 2012 are clearly so excited about the unstoppable awesomeness that is the Olympic ultramarathon that they can’t even publicize it, for fear that people’s faces will melt because of the sheer force of superpumpedness.
Anyway, if living in America has taught me one thing over the last few months, it’s that the political system is hopelessly broken and the sky is falling and we should all start fashioning some flattering burlap-sack dresses.
OK, but if it has taught me another thing, it’s that all anyone cares about is the economy. Think about it, readers: at no other point in your lives (unless you’re a nonagenarian) have you been able to respond to any declarative sentence by shrieking, “IN THIS ECONOMY???” and sound reasonably sane — possibly even wise.
How does this relate to running? In two ways: (1) if you use the word “jobs” or “economy” or — even better — “how <political leader X> and Lindsay Lohan are ruining the economy” in any story or blog post headline, you will get hits up the wazoo from Drudge AND Perez. Score! And (2) basic economic principles can help you solve some of your most pressing running problems. Doubt me? As the French say, “Au contraire! Poisson fromage sacre bleu!”
Running Problem #1: Should I get a gym membership?
You want to go to the gym, eh? IN THIS ECONOMY?
Haha, just messing with you. Well, let’s do a cost-benefit analysis of going to the gym versus just running on your own in the happy happy sun. And we’ll start both of these off by assuming you have the requisite equipment: shoes, workout clothes, and the gonads to get your candy-ass up off the futon. HOO-WAH!
The Costs of Going to the Gym:
Gym membership: $75/month
Assortment of little travel-sized shampoo/conditioner/body wash/lotion/gel/hairspray bottles that fit easily into your gym bag: $15
Keeping eyes glued to floor pre- and post-shower so random nudie super-in-shape sinewy women don’t think you’re gawking at them and their freak-calves, which you totally aren’t: $0
Ramming face into corner of gym locker as a result of keeping eyes glued to floor, getting 7 stitches in temple: $25 copay
So this could cost you a minimum of $115 in just one month. And that’s if you’re insured. So yeah. Be insured if you go to the gym. When you rack yourself doing “jumps” in spinning class you’ll thank me. Or maybe you’ll just scream, “$&$#&#@*$%&#!!! MY GONADS! MY BEAUTIFUL GONADS!”
The Cost of Running:
(And here I’m talking about running a little more than a daily 30-minute 2-mile lollygag around the reservoir, creampuff. Let’s just go big. Let’s say you’re running like a g.d. rock star.)
Gels (30 per month): $36
Band-Aids, Peroxide, Vaseline, BodyGlide, Duct Tape, Rosaries, Mayonnaise, and other blister-/chafing-related first aid: $50
Two extra grocery trips per week to accommodate your newfound hunger for pain, but also for industrial-sized quantities of peanut butter and red meat and pickles and ice cream and Ding-Dongs and really, anything that isn’t linoleum, and even that might be a stretch: $150
Speaking of stretching, one weekly yoga class per week to oooopen up your hips and feel the oooooopening in your hamstrings and let your lotus flower blossom, which is most certainly does not do at mile 25: $40
Total: Huh. Bigger than $115.
Well, whatever. Running is way better than any elliptical machine or rowing machine or nudie locker room. And just so we can all feel better about ourselves, let’s look at triathletes:
The Cost of Doing Triathlons:
Special swimsuit: $200
Special bike: $5 bajillion
Special bike shoes: $100
Special race registration: $500
Feeling extra-special: Priceless
Telling runners/gym-goers how extra-special you are: I mean, seriously, what pricetag can we put on your soul?
Total cost: more than $5 bajillion. I rest my case.
Still to come in this series:
- How many miles can I run? (a.k.a. The Post in which I Gratuitously Work in both Ryan Gosling and a Production Possibility Frontier)
- How many calories should I eat? (In which we discuss budgeting and what happens when your legs hit the calorie ceiling but continue to try to run, and your motor cortex refuses to raise said calorie ceiling before your metabolic system defaults and soon you’re in a downward metabolic deflationary spiral, by which I mean vomming on the side of the C&O Towpath)
- Should I invest in a running skirt? (For the love of God, no.)