Archive for the ‘Recovery’ Category

Grandma’s Marathon: The UNOFFICIAL Race Review [Guest Post]


7% of these people are triathletes. 100% of them have complexes about it.

Dear Humble Readers of The Running Log,

I have been tasked with offering a counterpoint to DJ’s race review (see the last post). As an amateur blogger and former resident of Washington, DC, I fancy myself an expert on most every topic. So why not add marathons to my repertoire, right? Right.

Love,

C.

—–

Once upon a time, there was a Grandma’s Marathon….

  Continue reading

Recovering from Injury! (Stage 6 — which may be optional — and Stage 7)


Here. Have a lollie.

WEATHER: Warm and sunny and delightful — 72 degrees and not humid.

MILES: 9.5

MILES THIS WEEK: 9.5

WHERE TO: Back into Mojo-land.

MOOD: Cautiously optimistic.

ADDITIONAL NOTES:

First, let me say that I HAVE MY MOJO BACK!  Did I do 23 miles yesterday?  Yes.  Did I receive several facefuls/eyefuls of gnats?  Yes.  Is my chest slightly abraded from carrying Gu packets in my sports bra?  Oh, you better believe it.  Is life back to normal?  <punches air>  Helllls yes!

Anyway.  On to the important stuff: getting over your injury.  You’ve cross-trained, you feel yourself getting stronger, etc., and yet — and yet.

And yet.

The injury isn’t better-better.  It’s just sort of half-assed improving.  And you, as the world’s greatest super happy fun time run run runnerperson ever, do not do anything that isn’t at the very least 90-percent-assed.  But you also don’t need no stinking doctor.  Also, you were sick that day in college where they taught you how to be an adult and how health insurance works, so words like “deductible” and “copay” and “HMO” and “doctor” are still a little mystifying to you.

Continue reading

Recovering from Injury! (Stages 3 through 5)


Stationary cycling AND an hour of C+C Music Factory? I'M IN! LET'S GO SPINNING!

WEATHER: Hot and humid.  Which I sort of love.

MILES: 10!!!!!

MILES THIS WEEK: 19.

WHERE TO: Tralalalala, fields of happy green non-injured beauty, covered in bunnies and flowers and, yeah, OK, a few blisters.

MOOD: Ecstaaaaaatic.

ADDITIONAL NOTES:

When we last left off, we had worked our way through Stage 2, which involves copious amounts of anger and questionable ways of dealing with it.

And now, reluctantly, I invite you to enter

Stage 3: Mourning

Alright, sweetheart.  Let it out.  Cry open-mouthed, choking sobs and bang your fists on the floor. Drink a pint of Wild Turkey.  Make and eat an entire loaf of banana-peanut-butter-chocolate-chip bread WITHOUT EVEN BAKING IT.  <rubs your back, holds you close>  There, there.  Yes, I realize that you just vommed whiskey/batter all over my chest.  It’s OK.  Shhhhh-

<smacks you upside the head>

Ok, 30 seconds is up.  Mourning is over.  Now it’s time for:

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Recovering from Injury (Step 1: Admitting You Have a Problem)


Yes, you might be injured, but you are also most definitely a MIGHTY PRINCESS FORGED IN THE HEAT OF BATTLE.

WEATHER: Unseasonably warm.

MILES: A few.  Sort of.

MILES THIS WEEK: A few.  Sort of.

WHERE TO: Wandering aimlessly and listlessly in the vast and lonesome desert that the injured runner trods, dragging my gimpy foot behind me as I wail to the heavens in agony.

MOOD: Improving.  Which isn’t saying much.

ADDITIONAL NOTES:

My dear readers, it has been too long.  And so the blog makes it TRIUMPHANT EFFING RETURN with a new and informative topic:

HOW TO DEAL WITH AN INJURY.  Allll 12 stages.

So.  Put on yer ass-kicking boots and grab a juicebox and a Percocet and a girly mag.  It’s gonna be a wild ride.

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THINGS TO DO WHILE YOU’RE RUNNING: Part 5 — Burn Out


WEATHER: Sort of hot for October

MILES: 0

MILES THIS WEEK: 29

WHERE TO: Nowhere.

MOOD: Filled with the joy and ennui that are the spirit of Columbus Day

ADDITIONAL NOTES:

I know what you’re thinking: I don’t burn out, right?  RIGHT.  I mean, I wake up every morning and leap out of bed, yelling, “PUT ON YER SPORTS BRA AND ASS-KICKIN’ BOOTS!  IT’S GO-TIME!”  Then I put on my spandex bodysuit and a few yards of multicolored tinsel and go leaping around DC until I have my ya-yas out, or until that security patrol guy on the Mall sees me, shakes his head and says, “You again?” and chases me around on his Segway, none of which really makes any sense for him to do, because since when was there a law against LOOKING GREAT, huh, you fascist?

Anyway.

Continue reading

Thoughtful Discourse


I get more hits when I include beautiful-man pics. Go figure.

WEATHER: Fantastic.

MILES: Zero.  POW!

MILES THIS WEEK: Many.  Already.

WHERE TO: Nowhere.

MOOD: Exhausted.

ADDITIONAL NOTES:

I was at this party a few weekends ago at which a friend asked me if I listened to music while I run.

Now, let me digress for a second.  Because I feel like every single runner I meet is either a Luddite purist or incapable of going on even a simple two-mile jog without having Tool drilling into his/her skull at volume level 14.  No one is in-between.  Which I don’t get.  Because sometimes you need Enrique to move you along, and sometimes you just need to silently judge other runners in silence, you know?

Anyhow.

“Not all the time,” I responded.

“Well, don’t you go CRAZY?  What do you think about?” she asked.

Ironically, her question itself has made me go crazy, because now when I’m running all I can think about is, “Huh.  What AM I thinking about?” and now my flow is totally gone.  (Thanks a lot, party-friend-lady.  Jerkface.)  It’s like when you for whatever reason start thinking about breathing and suddenly realize that you can’t do it correctly anymore, and now maybe it won’t be voluntary anymore and you’ll have to think about breathing until the day you die.  Holy s**t, that would suck, wouldn’t it?

Continue reading

Ask a Runner, Vol. 2


WEATHER: Gorgeous.

MILES: 0.

MILES THIS WEEK: 16.

WHERE TO: Nowhere — Kaboom!

MOOD: WOOOOOOOO!

ADDITIONAL NOTES:

First things first, sports fans: I’m IN!  The 50-miler form entry has been accepted, and they returned my SASE with a slip of paper saying that I now have the privilege of running for 9 hours straight.  WHOOPEE!  Want to be on my aid crew?  Yes you do.  Drop me a line if you want to force-feed me a banana with peanut butter at mile 37.

Second things second: Rusty did not get in, but still has a shot at doing so via a charity entry.  If you see him on the street, give him a hug and $20.  Actually, even if he weren’t trying to get in, I’d tell you to do this.  Poor guy is a law student at one of the most depressing places on earth (coughGWUcough).  Stroke his head and gently hum to him while you’re at it.  He needs it.

Anyway.  What with my obsession for the past seven posts with heaving bosoms and hoo-hahs and love-juices and throbbing, hard-as-steel loveshafts of swollen, heat-radiating manhood and so on, I completely forgot that there are people out there who NEED MY EXPERTISE on things other than breasts and erections.  And so I give the second installment of

ASK A RUNNER!

…in which I answer honest-to-God real questions from runners like you, ESPECIALLY those special folks who posed questions on my “Ask a Runner!” page.  Good job, kids.

So.

Q: I have shoes and running clothes.  What other gear might I need to be a truly successful runner? — Samuel, Austin, TX

A: Let’s make a nice little shopping list so you can better support the military-industrial-running complex.  Here goes:

Continue reading

QUADRICEPS AFLAME: Part 4 of 7.


"My heart says 'no,' but my loins say, 'Bring it AAAAWWWWWNNNN!'"

WEATHER: Sweet God, it is hot.

MILES: 0.

MILES THIS WEEK: 41.

WHERE TO: NOWHERE!

MOOD: Sweet God, I’m feeling hot.

ADDITIONAL NOTES:

A note to readers: Yes, there are several of you out there, but there are two of you in particular who made an attempt to raise me proper.  We all see how that turned out.  But out of deference to those two parental figures, whose opinions I care about greatly, I have painstakingly edited the below scene to make it more befitting of the way a lady should write.

So.

Continue reading

The Running Cookbook


Say hi to your mother for him, OK?

WEATHER: Would you believe “humid”?

MILES: 0.

MILES THIS WEEK: 11.

WHERE TO: Nope.

MOOD: Irritable.

ADDITIONAL NOTES:

People are always asking me how I stay so healthy, given that I’m usually tempted to snarf down a few cans of frosting after particularly taxing workouts.  I usually respond by pointing and saying, “Hey, what’s that????” and while these questioners are distracted, I fly away on a purple velociraptor to CandyLand, because these people who ask me these things are not real, but are instead made-up so that I have an excuse to write my latest post. In said post, dear readers, I give you information for which you did not even ask, because I’m magnanimous, biznitches.

So.  How do I stay healthy?  READ ON, hot stuff!

…..

THE RUNNERS’ COOKBOOK

A compendium of favorite recipes to make you energetic, happy, healthy, and only a little gassy.

Good-Morning Melange — A delicious way to start your running day.

Ingredients:

1 banana

2 T. peanut butter

Peanut Butter Puffins, to taste

1/4 c. Pepto Bismol

1 quart water

Directions:

1. Wake up at 5:30 AM.

2. Slice banana into bowl.

3. Add peanut butter, sprinkle with Puffins.

4. Gently fold together and eat, alternating with vigorous swigs of Pepto, only occasionally sloshng it into your hair.

5. Chug water, drop to knees, vow to never ever ever drink a beverage called the “Slippery Hoo-hah” ever again, let alone five of them, you twit.

6. Run.

——————————

Mile-Nineteen Special — An excellent mid-run or mid-race energizing snack, for those days when you don’t have a nifty little gel to suckle.

Ingredients:

1 cup honey

1 cup sugar

1 jar natural peanut butter

Other trail-mix-y type things, like raisins, sunflower seeds, pencil-sharpening shavings, nail clippings, chocolate chips

A whole bunch of cereal

Baggie

1/2 c. boob sweat

Exactly zero running gels

…..

Directions:

Note: Must be prepared prior to run.

1. Realize you have no gels for tomorrow’s run.

2. Boil honey and sugar for 2 minutes.

3. Remove from heat and combine all ingredients.

4. Oh come ON, I didn’t mean add the goddamn Baggie, OR the boob sweat for that matter.  Bonehead.

5. Press mixture into 9″ x 13″ pan.  Allow to cool and firm overnight.

6. Cut bar, put into baggie, stow in sports bra.

7. At mile 19, by the water fountain by the national zoo, pull baggie from between boobs.  Shake off boob sweat, open baggie, chow down while monopolizing water fountain and grossing out happy well-meaning tourists.

8. Shake out legs while stoned kids on nearby sunny meadow hill say, “Dude, she just pulled food out of her BOOBS.” (This actually happened.)

—————————–

Saturday-Morning SuperProteinRecoveryFest – Get your protein post-run AND bond with your housemates!

Ingredients:

1 block tofu

1/4 c. spicy mustard

1 wastebasket

…..

Directions:

1. Come home from long run, take shower (see Post-Race Delight).

2. Open tofu, cut into uniform 1″ x 1″ cubes.

3. Arrange on plate, put large dollop of mustard on edge.

4. Dip tofu cubes in mustard and consume heartily while watching reruns of “Designing Women.”

5. Have following exchange with roommate:

“What is that?”

“<mouth full> Tofu!”

“…and…my God…mustard?”

“Mm-hm! <snarf snarf snarf>”

6. Hand wastebasket to roommate, now retching heavily.  Feel the delicious muscle-recovery goodness wash over your body.  Ohhhhhhhhh girl.

——————————-

Mile-Twenty-Eight Special — You’re more than halfway through that ultra.  You can do it.

Ingredients:

1 Twizzler

1 cup neon blue Powerade

Mark Wahlberg

…..

Directions:

1. Shake head out of delirious haze long enough to snatch Twizzler and Powerade from spectators.

2. Bite off both ends of Twizzler.  Things are neither looking nor feeling too good.  The wheels are coming off, my friend.

3. Accept congratulations from Mark Wahlberg, running next to you for a while now, on the awesome race you’re running.

4. Use Twizzler as a straw to suck up the sweet, sweet Powerade.

5. Reflect on the beauty of life.

—————————————

Mile-Thirty-Five Surprise — For those times on the course when you’re feeling “not-so-fresh.”

Ingredients:

Orange wedges (several dozen)

Running singlet

Fist

…..

Directions:

1. Snatch orange wedges from race volunteers, remove shirt, use it as a crude basket in which to carry as many orange wedges as you can grab.

2. Suck the sweet juice out of the oranges, riiiiight down to the nasty rind, then throw the suckers at Mark Wahlberg’s face, because he has gotten mean in the last few miles.

3. That purple raptor of his is looking testy as well.  Give it a roundhouse to the jaw while you’re at it.

4. Suck down more orange goodness.  You need your strength, Spartacus.

————————————

Mile-45 Desperation Cocktail — For when you should know better, yes, but you’re a badass, dammit.

Ingredients:

2 cups sweat, squeezed from ponytail

1 leftover Powerade Dixie cup

1 saline IV

…..

Directions:

1. Now you’ve done it.  You are 3 miles from an aid station in either direction and you can FEEL the moisture draining from your body.  Even your eyeballs feel dry.  Even your toenail-beds feel parched.

2. Lose will to go on…with racing, with life. Drop to knees in the middle of the trail, raise fists and wail, Baz-Luhrmann-movie-style: “ULTRAMARATHONNNNN!”

3. A dramatic thunderstorm begins.

4. Just kidding.  There’s no water out here.  But you do have that cup and all that sweat in your hair…

<let’s skip ahead a bit>

7. Wake up in med tent with foul, salty taste in mouth.  Sit up stock-straight, point and yell, “What’s that?”  As race med volunteer turns, remove IV from wrist, remove needle, suck as much as you can from tube before scampering away because YOU ARE A CHAMPION OH MY GOD THIS IS GREAT AND YOU DON’T AT ALL WANT TO DIE BAAAAHAHAHAHAHA.

————————————

Post-Race Delight

Ingredients:

2 cans Diet Coke (12 oz.), very well chilled

1 little complimentary bar of hotel soap

1 hotel shower

…..

Directions:

1. Go back to hotel post-race, remove clothing, get into shower as usual.

2. Wash body.

3. When soap hits chafed areas, squeeze eyes shut as the throbbing pain travels in big slamming waves through your body.  Chase pain with a slug of Diet Coke.

4. Drink another DC, while you’re at it.  You deserve it.  You beat that raptor by like at least 3 hours.

5. (Optional) Perform rest of shower as usual, i.e. while singing Reba McEntire’s greatest hits.

Well Done, Readers!


MILES: 6

WEATHER: Chilly — 55ish.

WHERE TO: Columbia Heights and Adams Morgan

MOOD: Exhausted.

ADDITIONAL NOTES:

Well, kids, Boston and the day after were two of the BIGGEST-READERSHIP DAYS EVER here on therunninglog.  Thank you for validating my potentially disastrous decision to run my body into the ground.  I have a friend — I will call him “Frenchy” — who has on several occasions stated his attitude towards marathoning as follows:

“…or I could just sit here and smack my head against a brick wall for 4 hours.”

Fair point, Frenchy.  And after my run AND Crampy McPainypants ride THAT NIGHT back to DC in coach on Amtrak, I sort of felt the same way.  But with one key difference: I felt like a SUPERHERO who had smacked her head against a brick wall.  For 3 hours and 39 minutes.

Anyway, I now find myself neck-deep in finals (TEN MORE DAYS OF WORK, KIDS!) and in near-panic territory.  The sleep-or-running dilemma, which I have heard is not a tough conundrum for many people to deal with, pesters me every morning at around 6 AM. And so it was this morning, but I powered through.  But only barely, and I now am sucking down Ricolas and praying that the scratch in the back of my throat doesn’t morph into a giant phlegm demon.  Blaaaaaargh.

You know, I could write something way more funny and exciting but I’m exhausted and I got shit to do, kids.  We talk later.

Love and kisses,

DJ

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