WEATHER: Would you believe “humid”?
MILES THIS WEEK: 11.
WHERE TO: Nope.
People are always asking me how I stay so healthy, given that I’m usually tempted to snarf down a few cans of frosting after particularly taxing workouts. I usually respond by pointing and saying, “Hey, what’s that????” and while these questioners are distracted, I fly away on a purple velociraptor to CandyLand, because these people who ask me these things are not real, but are instead made-up so that I have an excuse to write my latest post. In said post, dear readers, I give you information for which you did not even ask, because I’m magnanimous, biznitches.
So. How do I stay healthy? READ ON, hot stuff!
THE RUNNERS’ COOKBOOK
A compendium of favorite recipes to make you energetic, happy, healthy, and only a little gassy.
Good-Morning Melange — A delicious way to start your running day.
2 T. peanut butter
Peanut Butter Puffins, to taste
1/4 c. Pepto Bismol
1 quart water
1. Wake up at 5:30 AM.
2. Slice banana into bowl.
3. Add peanut butter, sprinkle with Puffins.
4. Gently fold together and eat, alternating with vigorous swigs of Pepto, only occasionally sloshng it into your hair.
5. Chug water, drop to knees, vow to never ever ever drink a beverage called the “Slippery Hoo-hah” ever again, let alone five of them, you twit.
Mile-Nineteen Special — An excellent mid-run or mid-race energizing snack, for those days when you don’t have a nifty little gel to suckle.
1 cup honey
1 cup sugar
1 jar natural peanut butter
Other trail-mix-y type things, like raisins, sunflower seeds, pencil-sharpening shavings, nail clippings, chocolate chips
A whole bunch of cereal
1/2 c. boob sweat
Exactly zero running gels
Note: Must be prepared prior to run.
1. Realize you have no gels for tomorrow’s run.
2. Boil honey and sugar for 2 minutes.
3. Remove from heat and combine all ingredients.
4. Oh come ON, I didn’t mean add the goddamn Baggie, OR the boob sweat for that matter. Bonehead.
5. Press mixture into 9″ x 13″ pan. Allow to cool and firm overnight.
6. Cut bar, put into baggie, stow in sports bra.
7. At mile 19, by the water fountain by the national zoo, pull baggie from between boobs. Shake off boob sweat, open baggie, chow down while monopolizing water fountain and grossing out happy well-meaning tourists.
8. Shake out legs while stoned kids on nearby sunny meadow hill say, “Dude, she just pulled food out of her BOOBS.” (This actually happened.)
Saturday-Morning SuperProteinRecoveryFest — Get your protein post-run AND bond with your housemates!
1 block tofu
1/4 c. spicy mustard
1. Come home from long run, take shower (see Post-Race Delight).
2. Open tofu, cut into uniform 1″ x 1″ cubes.
3. Arrange on plate, put large dollop of mustard on edge.
4. Dip tofu cubes in mustard and consume heartily while watching reruns of “Designing Women.”
5. Have following exchange with roommate:
“What is that?”
“<mouth full> Tofu!”
“Mm-hm! <snarf snarf snarf>”
6. Hand wastebasket to roommate, now retching heavily. Feel the delicious muscle-recovery goodness wash over your body. Ohhhhhhhhh girl.
Mile-Twenty-Eight Special — You’re more than halfway through that ultra. You can do it.
1 cup neon blue Powerade
1. Shake head out of delirious haze long enough to snatch Twizzler and Powerade from spectators.
2. Bite off both ends of Twizzler. Things are neither looking nor feeling too good. The wheels are coming off, my friend.
3. Accept congratulations from Mark Wahlberg, running next to you for a while now, on the awesome race you’re running.
4. Use Twizzler as a straw to suck up the sweet, sweet Powerade.
5. Reflect on the beauty of life.
Mile-Thirty-Five Surprise — For those times on the course when you’re feeling “not-so-fresh.”
Orange wedges (several dozen)
1. Snatch orange wedges from race volunteers, remove shirt, use it as a crude basket in which to carry as many orange wedges as you can grab.
2. Suck the sweet juice out of the oranges, riiiiight down to the nasty rind, then throw the suckers at Mark Wahlberg’s face, because he has gotten mean in the last few miles.
3. That purple raptor of his is looking testy as well. Give it a roundhouse to the jaw while you’re at it.
4. Suck down more orange goodness. You need your strength, Spartacus.
Mile-45 Desperation Cocktail — For when you should know better, yes, but you’re a badass, dammit.
2 cups sweat, squeezed from ponytail
1 leftover Powerade Dixie cup
1 saline IV
1. Now you’ve done it. You are 3 miles from an aid station in either direction and you can FEEL the moisture draining from your body. Even your eyeballs feel dry. Even your toenail-beds feel parched.
2. Lose will to go on…with racing, with life. Drop to knees in the middle of the trail, raise fists and wail, Baz-Luhrmann-movie-style: “ULTRAMARATHONNNNN!”
3. A dramatic thunderstorm begins.
4. Just kidding. There’s no water out here. But you do have that cup and all that sweat in your hair…
<let’s skip ahead a bit>
7. Wake up in med tent with foul, salty taste in mouth. Sit up stock-straight, point and yell, “What’s that?” As race med volunteer turns, remove IV from wrist, remove needle, suck as much as you can from tube before scampering away because YOU ARE A CHAMPION OH MY GOD THIS IS GREAT AND YOU DON’T AT ALL WANT TO DIE BAAAAHAHAHAHAHA.
2 cans Diet Coke (12 oz.), very well chilled
1 little complimentary bar of hotel soap
1 hotel shower
1. Go back to hotel post-race, remove clothing, get into shower as usual.
2. Wash body.
3. When soap hits chafed areas, squeeze eyes shut as the throbbing pain travels in big slamming waves through your body. Chase pain with a slug of Diet Coke.
4. Drink another DC, while you’re at it. You deserve it. You beat that raptor by like at least 3 hours.
5. (Optional) Perform rest of shower as usual, i.e. while singing Reba McEntire’s greatest hits.