Archive for January, 2011

Ask a Runner! (Cold Weather Edition)

L-l-l-lobster dawwwwg!

WEATHER: Grey and damp and nasty.

MILES: 0.  Because I just don’t care.

MILES THIS WEEK: OMG sooooo apathetic right now.

WHERE TO: This here chair.

MOOD: Hrmph.


Mother nature splorted DC with a giant dumping of slushy poop on Wednesday.  That slushy poop hardened into a thick crust of slippery-yet-grainy yuck shortly thereafter.  All this led up to yesterday morning’s run, during which I was forced to run on the DC streets and get honked at repeatedly by cars, all of which were gunning for me even more than usual, because heaven forbid I run in the parking lane, which was clearly made for driving 75 mph and not parking.  Der.  Anyway, you see, every sidewalk was covered in the Hellcrust, as salt and shovels have yet to be introduced to this crude society.  I should introduce these wondrous tools to the DC people.  I’ll make millions.

But first, it’s time for your favorite column:

ASK A RUNNER! (Cold weather edition)

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Takeaway Lesson: Don’t Go to Foot Locker.

All hail the new blog overlords! (JK, you beautiful folks at TBD. You complete me.)

WEATHER: Flippin’ cold for DC — 17 degrees at running time.

MILES: 23 — first long run of 2011!


WHERE TO: Capital Crescent Trail, Rock Creek Park, hot shower.

MOOD: Cold.


Good news, sports fans!  As part of my tireless effort to whore out your favorite blog, I have managed to get it occasionally picked up by Washington news website  And while they don’t care about my constant blathering about my personal problems or persistent sexual innuendos, they do care about the posts in which I give you valuable and timely information about the DC running scene.

And wouldn’t you know it, I actually have a DC-based running thing to tell you about.

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Know Your DC Water Fountains!

Water Fountain #1! I call this one "Enid."

WEATHER: Beautiful for a night run

MILES: 14ish

MILES THIS WEEK: Bigger than a breadbox.

WHERE TO: Rock Creek Parkway, Van Ness, Tenleytown, Georgetown, etc.

MOOD: No longer sick!  Blammo!


Tonight, I introduce to you all a new and exciting feature to assist you in your Washington, DC-and-surrounding-areas running endeavors:


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Legitimate Medical Advice

The nectar of the gods.

WEATHER: Chilly (for DC, that is…so maybe 30 degrees)

MILES: 5.5


WHERE TO: Dupont Circle, Georgetown, etc.

MOOD: Face-‘splosion is imminent.


My dear readers, I lost roughly 15 pounds over the weekend.  Or, at least, that’s my estimate, and I’m pretty sure that 98% of it was expelled in the form of post-nasal drip. You see, I stayed home from work on Friday and stayed home from life yesterday as the result of a truly fantastically ass-kicking cold.  The kind that–if you weren’t doped to the gills on NyQuil (for the congestion) and ketamine (for the hell of it) and nutmeg (for the purpose of testing urban legends) and thus unable to do anything other than pet your roommates’ faces and mutter, “pretty kittyyyyyy…”–would make you sit back, fold your arms, and nod appreciatively at the awe-inspiring power of Mother Nature and Her Evil Pathogen Minions.

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In Which I Shoot Down Your Weak-Ass Resolutions.

Sing it, sister.

WEATHER: Unseasonably warm!


MILES THIS WEEK: Shamefully few.

WHERE TO: Hangoverland.

MOOD: Much better than this morning.


Some people run to relieve stress.  They are like the free and easy gazelles of the running world, prancing gaily across the savannah, leaving their cares and worries behind.

Some run for the privilege of eating every g.d. cheeseburger they please, thankyouverymuch. These are the Great Danes of the running world–the big strong capable-looking runners who look like they could probably beat your ass and then eat your entire head.  But only after this next episode of Two-And-A-Half Men and some buffalo wings.

Some run once every few months, after they overindulge at Big Bruce’s Nacho Factory Sports Bar ‘n’ Grill and as a result feel “not-so-fresh.” These people are not really part of the running kingdom, but I guess we could classify them as tree sloths, as they only really get in gear when they see the MIGHTY HARPIE EAGLE swooping in for the ambush.  “RAAAAAH!” screeches the eagle.  “Huh?” says the sl- OH MY GOD DID YOU SEE THAT?  GROSS!

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